Filed under Adventures

The Cutest Dutch Girl in All of Leon, Nicaragua.

I arrived into Managua yesterday afternoon, the typical find your hostel in the blazing midday sun ensued, I checked in, and went for a wander, I discover that it’s not what I expected, it’s a dirty old, traditional Nicaraguan pueblo, steaming with culture.  Filthy, old, derelict and amazing.  After a few hours wandering around, I return to the hostel (which is now nearly empty) and start making friends.

First is an Australian rotter, she’s friendly but not someone I would want to ever be friends with, but for social catalyst, she’s perfect, we get a drink in the bar and I start chatting to another German couple who have just arrived, who I had met previously in my travels.

In walks a guy and a girl, both young and good looking.  I’m propped up against the bar and I’ve got a circle of people around me, just as they walk in, the crowd starts laughing at something I have just said.

I catch 2 glances from the girl as they are checking in, I Ignore them and avoid eye contact. Later on I’m sitting at a table doing some work on my laptop and the girl finds a reason to come and start a conversation, I indulge her and ask her a few carefully selected screening questions.  My value is still sky high and I’m making sure not to fuck that up.

I couldn’t find a picture of a girl who looked like her, so here’s one of someone substantially hotter,

Hello, Is this Dog?

Later on again, I’m sitting at a table having dinner with him and her and I find out they have been dating for 12 months and this is their first trip together, she’s 22 and he is 21.  They are both Dutch Psychology students   they met at university and it took them 6 months of chatting at lunchtime before he asked her out on a date.

What he looked like

This man is out of his depth and doesn’t know what he is dealing with; he’s swimming with sharks…… Sharks with frikkin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Everything the guy says, I shut him down and build a bridge between him and her.   Everytime he says something slightly condescending towards me, I turn it around and use it against him.  It was Wilt chamberlain scoring 100 points in a game, it was Maradona scoring against England in the 86 world cup, Muhammad Ali knocking out Foreman in the 8th round in Zaire.  It was a cocksman at his finest.  I’m not amazing with women, I’m not even the best seducer in my own house!  But in this situation I just knew.  I knew what I was doing, I knew how to play it, and I knew that this 22yo Child couldn’t compete on any level.

Ok… Hang on.  I just realized I haven’t given this story any context.  At the moment I’m just coming off like a cunt, trying to steal some guy’s girlfriend.  Some poor guy who has spent the last 12 months trying to figure out how to make this girl happy, doing everything in his power to keep this girl as his girlfriend. He’s done everything society, his friends, his father has told him to do and it’s been working.  In Holland he has a good career ahead of him, plenty of money, a gorgeous young girlfriend and a world of opportunity ahead of him.

Now some Aussie cunt has thrown a spanner in the works.  He’s ruined his day/week/holiday/relationship.  But why?

The real answer is because I can. I can take his girlfriend away from him, I can divide them only using a few words, and I can build attraction with just instinct and 3 or 4 well thought out stories.

But why do it?  I don’t have a reason; I knew it was a cunt of a thing to do before I did it….  I knew that I was being unnecessarily cruel, I knew that with a bit of work, I could find another cute young single girl and get to work on her.

Fuck you Cunt, that’s still not a reason…. Ok… I don’t have a reason, I just wanted to see what was possible.  I’d had 3 Cuba Libres and was feeling like the dark side had a hold of me.

………………………………..

After 2 hours of emasculating this poor young man, he got the shits and went to bed.  I start comfort with his girlfriend and it goes down perfectly, I run into seamless comfort and she opens up like a can of beans. She’s rubbing my foot under the table, whilst giving me the big, wide ‘me gusta’ eyes.

We find a flimsy pretext to leave the hostel together and within minutes I’ve got her pinned up against the wall and she’s got her hand on my cock, telling me how much she’s wanted this since she met me.  The angel and devil don’t make an appearance this time… Its full steam ahead in my douchebaggery.

I’m happy, I’ve got an absolutely gorgeous girl,  a solid 8 in anyone’s book,  who is completely into me and wanting to fuck.

Her and I both discuss and don’t want to fuck in a street doorway. I actually really like this girl, she’s feminine, beautiful and youthful.  We decide that we will get a private room in the hostel, and fuck there.  It’s not to be, the hostel is full, no spare privates…  we spend another 2 hours chatting in comfort, making out and planning our sexual adventure. I put her to bed with the plan of continuing on Friday when she returns from her 2 day hike.

Long story short.  I’m on a see saw, on one side  there is a guy who I feel sorry for, who just had his life turned upside down by some cunt that he hardly knows, on the other side, I’ve met a girl who is really nice, exactly what I like, who’s well into me….

The Humanitarian/Liberal side of me wants to step back and let him carry on with his girlfriend.

The other (dark side) says that it’s just another girl, that there are no friends in love and war and he should have seen it coming and will learn from the experience.

To be continued.

The Long Time Coming

Just met this guy, doing an amazing thing for charity, and doing a bad-ass trip from Mexico to Peru, not using any roads, all  off-road on a 4 wheel ATV. Travelling over 12,000 km, with the aim of raising funding and awareness for abused and disadvantaged children. The mantra – sometimes there is no path but you have to go. Go Marc.

Fuck all you guys, I'm on a Quad.

He’s a good bloke, knows a lot of good drinking games and spins a good yarn.  Check out his website here

and like him on facebook.  It will help him with his goal of raising £110k for charity.

 

The Beach Boys are Full of Shit

Why are the beach boys full of shit?

I’m out at my local bar in Antigua and its a dry night… there’s not much happening and I’m drinking with my boys, there is very few women around, suddenly 2 birds roll in, a Guatemalteca and an american (Californian), both mid 20′s.  I open and start a conversation with the yank,  and she’s responsive, her friend not so much, she dispenses with my buddy, and im left with the yank, I FB close, and leave the bar.

A few days later i see her online and start a conversation, and we agree to meet in the central parque  for a chat, during the chat i just lay down simple groundwork, dhv’s and preselection stories, i find out that she’s massively into me, and starved of decent men because she’s lived in Guatemala for the last 6 years.  We organise day 2 that afternoon, beers and pizza in a local bar later on that week.

That date rolls around and its as expected, her laughing at my jokes, paying for the drinks and her hands all over me.

Note : I didn’t mention : Shes not that hot.  high 6, low 7. American… Urgh.

I’m meant to cook her dinner at her place that week (read: fuck her) but instead I’m working a different target (guatemalan) from my Spanish school.  Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but it when i add the Guatemalan to my facebook I find out that they are friends.  I’m obviously more interested in the cute Guatemalan so I ignore the yank for a couple of weeks, after I realise that there’s no chance of fucking the guatemalan (the final moment of fingering in her car was too much for her) I decide to fuck the yank.

A message is made and an invitation to her house is offered that weekend.  I arrive to her place and she jumps on me instantly, but before that during conversation, she asks me if I brought condoms.  What the fuck. What a fucked up question.  She didn’t even want to play the game, she offered no resistance at all… Suddenly my urge to fuck this girl dissapeared.

But… I’m here… may as well make the best of it…. i decide to get really baked. both of us actually, so stoned that it was a completely weird and surreal experience.  I finish in her hair, without telling her and she goes mental.  I roll over and go to sleep and leave early the next morning.

‘I wish they all could be California girls’

Fuck that noise.

Provo women don’t do threesomes with their family members.

I arrive into Playa del Carmen… Party central for NYE, plan is to chill for a week until Krauser arrives,  then spend a month doing what we do best.

Accommodation is scarce, so I book a hostel online.  I arrive and  it’s the biggest shithole ive ever seen….  2 girls, both low 7’s, a blonde and a brunette, walk through the hostel and I open them, chatting about how shit this place is… we start vibing and soon enough they invite me to have dinner with them.  I have no plans so I agree.

We go to dinner and im playing it fairly cool, they are 2 sisters from N.I and are here for a month. we stop for a drink at a Cuban bar, and as im flirting with the waitress, I start catching major fuck me eyes from the blonde, We decide that after dinner we will buy a bottle of rum and head to the beach (her suggestion, im thinking that the brunette will stay at the hostel, leaving me with the sister…. )

We pick up supplies (1L bottle of rum for $7) and start heading for the beach… on the way we see a hostel that looks like a laugh, so I stop off to check availability.  The owner invites us to stay for a drink and we oblige.  One drink turns into 4 or 5 very quickly then the bottle of rum is opened and all hell breaks loose.

Everyone’s dancing, having a great time…. I’ve got a fantastic jealousy plotline building with the blonde, as ive got heaps of attention from a couple of girls at the party…  One is a tattoo’d yank (7) one a Israeli hottie (8) and another Israeli mouse (7)

I’m on with the tattoo girl, who is strangely sexy,  I usually hate tattoo’d girls…. shes covered in tats but I find her insanely attractive, not especially because she has an old school Nintendo controller tattoo’d on her arm.

Later in the evening, Tattoo girl tells me she wants to show me her apartment.  After she drops  a few subtle hints, I take her up on her offer and follow her to her place.  We get up there, but her flatmates have arrived home so we have no privacy.  She wants to go to a local bar and wants me to take her, but when I head back to the party the blonde grabs me in a matter of fact way and tells me that im not leaving her sight.   I tell tattoo girl ill see her tomorrow and blondie tells me we’re going skinny dipping.

At this stage I’m far too pissed to try to figure out any other play, so we head to the beach… as we get there she strips naked and runs into the water…

In for a penny…

I get in and immediately she jumps on me… straddling me, and we start making out….. But we are confronted with a problem… I don’t have a condom on me, they are back in my room, there is no way I am rawdogging a girl the night I meet her…. Next problem is when we get back to the hostel, there are no private rooms, and people in every room, the mood dies and we both go to bed.  The next morning, we all check out and the girls move into cabana across the street…  that afternoon were alone in the room, I have condoms, and its on…. As she finishes a fine blowjob, I start munching her, getting ready to fuck her, when the door flies open, and her sister storms in…. embarrassing for her, more so for the sister…. I tell her to Invite her sister to join, in a playful way.  She doesn’t see the funny side of things… she gets up and starts getting dressed….  fuck….

I plan to finish the job the following day, but a cute dutch girl arrives at the hostel, and I blow out the NIre to hang with her…

Oh well… on to the next one….

Lithuania under investigation for CIA torture Links. Burto investigates Lithuanian fanny for anything suspicious.

Just a standard online opener… I havent really been doing any online game recently… but i started getting more messages than normal, so i started scoping for some of the cuter girls….  this one came across on a lazy saturday afternoon, and i cut and pasted the standard opener.

 

 

Burto :

Sent Date: 10/15/2011 10:49:40 AM         

Subject: pink marshmallows

 

Well hello…??  I’m sitting in my kitchen in London, and the sun is out…

As I’m typing this, I’ve just had a craving for a drink, so ?i’ve just mixed myself a virgin mary… Its got lots of tabasco and its

lovely….??Anyway.. I’m off the point….

I woke up a while ago and was bouncing around plenty of fish, i saw the email from you……

You have a cheeky look… it looks like a little girl who has just been busted with her hand in the cookie jar…

or maybe you have just broken your mums favourite teapot… and your trying to disguise the look of guilt on your little face…

??

So, send me an email, tell me what you have planned for your satuday

Chat soon

Burto

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/16/2011 4:14:24 AM            Subject: RE: pink marshmallows

Oh wow I’m very impress of your message ! Finally nothing boring. :) but it is shame that we live in different places :( very shame ..,,

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/20/2011 11:46:21 PM          Subject: RE: pink marshmallows

I want to be your girlfriend !!!

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/21/2011 11:08:20 PM          Subject: concurred.

hahaha.. lets run away together to the south of france, you can grow an amazing vegetable garden and i will write a book…

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 10:26:04 AM          Subject: amazing plan

at night we could drink wine and look at the stars… uuu… sounds incredible :) I love France by the way I speak a little French :D

Are you a writer ?!

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 2:38:42 PM  

France is amazing…. I’m actually writing a book at the moment… about internet dating.

What are you up to on this sunny afternoon….?

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 3:08:15 PM   

Driving :) my and my friends going for small trip around Norfolk :) now we stop to local pub for glass of drink :)

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 3:45:47 PM    

Sounds good… nice enough day for it…

anyway… Get your a*** down to london soon for some shenanigans…

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 3:54:58 PM        

Or you can take your a**** in Norwich were I live xxx

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 3:57:56 PM          

Norwich! thats the other end the earth!

if we are going to spend time in one city, which one will be more fun? London (the most

amazing city in the world?) or err…norwich? :-P

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 4:10:56 PM         

 

You will see norwich very nice city. :)

I lived in London for 7 months it was funny time. Were you live in London ?!

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 4:12:48 PM            

I live in hampstead, close to the heath… ive never been, but i dated a girl from Great

Yarmouth… she was a bit crazy…

Are you english?

Mick

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 4:32:48 PM     

No I’m not. It is good or bad ?!

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 6:05:44 PM            

The best part of your profile… you definitely get more points because you’re not from

England ;-P

Danish?

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 6:55:35 PM         

well good to know :) Do you have plans for tonight ? I am from north Europe from Lithuania :)

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:01:06 PM          

hehe… i spent last summer in Palanga…. I used to do alot of work in Vilnius….

Lithuanian girls are always nice… +10 points..

i’m taking some friends out in camden… what about you?

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:13:56 PM            

what? seriously? I’m surprised wow !!! I lived in Vilnius for 6 years :)

From me you get 50 points :) because you know where Lithuania is :D D

I think now I want to meet you even more !!!

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:22:10 PM            

Haha, i know it well….

Well get on the train and get your little backside to london for some fun!

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:28:24 PM            

Does this mean that you want to invite me to visit you in London?

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:29:58 PM            

100%

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:37:16 PM         

you always welcome to norwich too :)

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:38:43 PM         

Hahaha if i came to norwich you would have to sleep on the couch, because i wouldnt

want to catch a train home, and i would want your bed.

 

Target:

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:50:02 PM           

Ok you can have my bed if you want i can sleep on couch:P but I think at night you will come to see my and cuddle me and probably you stay till morning :P

 

Burto :

Sent Date:10/22/2011 7:52:35 PM            

I  dont know about that… you lithuanian girls are all cheeky little scamps…

 

you will complain about the pillow being lumpy, or being cold and try to steal my

blanket….

 

This continues for a few more messages, numbers are exchanged and i send her the occasional text.  During that week,  I call her one night after work and chat to her on the phone…. I find out that shes really into me, shes read my profile through and through and knows it all well….  I invite her to a ‘Party’*  that’s on saturday night.

 

*Note : there is no party*

 

She tells me that shes thinking of coming down…. I resist the urge to try to convince her to come, and i play it cool… after a few more days, she tells me shes booked a ticket and shes coming down saturday morning…. I cement the idea in her head by telling her that i had ‘Plans’*

* Note : i didn’t have plans*

 

I tell her that we will get the clipper to greenwich, have lunch, then head back to the west end, catch the exhibition at the NPG on 50′s film stars,  head home for a drink, then head out to the ‘party’.

saturday morning i arrive at the bus station to meet her, and there is nerves….  I’ve been here before… Ive been caught out with girls that look cute in pics and turn out to be complete rotters.  Everytime a blonde gets off the bus, i get a rush of emotion…

 

‘Fuck i hope its her!’

“please no… please no….’

’50/50′

‘even Krauser wouldn’t fuck her’

then a coach arrives from Poland, full of stunning blondes. (note to self – do daygame around victoria coach station)

 

Finally she arrives and i get a refreshing calm flows over me, as shes cute with a nice body.  A low 7.  No shame, no claim.

 

I focus on leading and start dragging her around London… I take her to the ferry terminal, but the line is too long, i walk her along the river toward borough market. to get some food….

some time passes and we head to the portrait gallery and the exhibition i had planned (and wanted) to see has finished 2 weeks ago.  We scope around and head back to the hemingway suite.

 

To be fair, i wanted to take her to Greenwich and the NPG, but logistics got in the way…

I send Krauser a message

‘Come up and announce that the party has been cancelled’

Sure as sunday up her comes and gives a performance Sir Laurence Olivier would be proud of….

“Has jimmy got in touch with you?  he’s been trying to get in touch with you, the party is cancelled… etc etc etc”

We go to plan B.  which is get drunk.  She matches me… I cant believe it…

 

2 bottles of wine, a few beers and a teapot full of rum and she’s still going… I’m amazed.

We head back to my room and we are laying on my bed….  we are just laying there…..

She looks up and suddenly looks sober.

“We are not having sex tonight”

My expression doesn’t change, i dont flinch, i dont say a word.

“definitely not tonight” 

i keep looking at her, with no emotion in my face. still not a word.

“We cant” 

still looking straight through her. i stare at her for about 20 seconds, then pull her in and start escalating.  there is no resistance.

 

Fade to black.

 

Her Expectations

1.  Meet Guy in London.

2. Go on romantic river cruise

3. Hold hands while walking along the river.

4. Have a tasty lunch in a charming little gastropub or bistro.

5. Go to interesting party and meet lots of nice people.

6. Return back to his house, fall asleep in each others arms.

7. wake up to home made breakfast in bed.

 

Her results.

1.  Meet Guy in London.

2. Go on romantic river cruise walk toward place where they sell tacos.

3. Hold hands while walking along the river. eat tacos.

4. Have a tasty lunch in a charming little gastropub or bistro. Drink beer

5. Go to interesting party and meet lots of nice people.  drink more beer and wine

6. Return back to his house, fall asleep in each others arms. drink cocktails, have drunken sex.

7. wake up to home made breakfast in bed. Go to local greasy spoon for £4 english breakfast.

 

 

Lithuania - Done.

 

 

 

 

 

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